No longer a "nice" person

There was a point in my life where “being nice” stopped feeling like a value and started feeling like an act.

For a long time, kindness, to me, meant never causing trouble.

It meant staying calm when someone crossed the line. It meant forgiving quickly, even when the other person never apologised. It meant swallowing my anger, ignoring my needs, and pretending everything was fine, because “being kind” was more important than how I actually felt.

But slowly, that version of kindness started to hurt.

I noticed I said “yes” when my whole body wanted to say “no”. I agreed to plans I did not enjoy, stayed in conversations that drained me, and kept giving people chance after chance, even when they had already shown me who they really were. I told myself I was being mature, patient, and understanding.

In reality, I was abandoning myself. It is a strange feeling when you realise the thing you are most proud of, being kind, is the same thing that makes you feel small.

At some point, I had to ask: if my kindness only works when I am suffering, is it really kindness? If everyone around me feels comfortable, but I go home feeling empty and used, is that really something to be proud of?

That is when I slowly realised: I was not being kind, I was trying to please the people around me. I seek external validations by being "kind" to make myself feel good. But in return, I was not being kind to myself. I was a people pleaser.

But real kindness should include me too, so, I started changing small things.

When I did not like how someone spoke to me, I said something, calmly and clearly. Not to attack them, but to protect my own boundary.

When I did not want to go somewhere, I stopped forcing myself and simply said, “No, I will pass.” Or, I would suggest us to go somewhere all of us would enjoy.

And when someone was rude or unkind, I stopped giving them the “nice version” of me just to prove I was the bigger person. I did not create drama. I did not fight. I did not write long speeches to explain myself. I just chose not to engage. Not because I hated them, but because I finally understood: not everyone deserves my time, energy, and attention.

It turns out, peace is also a form of kindness.

These changes did not suddenly make life perfect, but they did something important. They brought me back to myself. I started to feel lighter. I felt more honest when I smiled. I felt proud when I said “no” and meant it. I did not need people to see me as “nice” anymore. I just wanted to see myself as truthful.

And what surprised me was that people accept me as who I am. They don't need the people pleaser version of me. The people I have in my life are kind enough to hear me out, understand my feelings, and see me as who I am.

Now, kindness looks different in my life:

• I can be kind without letting people walk all over me.
• I can forgive without allowing the same behavior again.
• I can care about others without sacrificing my own well-being.
• I can walk away and have nothing more to do with them in my life.

Being kind is no longer about proving that I am a good person. It is about living in a way that does not betray my own happiness.

Today, when I choose kindness, I want it to work both ways.

Because a life where everyone thinks you are kind, while you secretly feel miserable, is not a kind life at all.

Real kindness is when your heart and your actions are on the same side.

Because kindness works both ways.

I hope you find this insightful. Remember:

It's not going to be easy,
But it's not impossible.

Your friend,
Brian.