Life is not fair
When others seem to be living their lives
Why am I always left behind?
When others can do whatever they want in life
Why am I stuck here?
But deep inside
I know that
There are things that matter more
Than my dreams
So when I see people ahead of me
I stopped blaming myself
And when things don't go my way
I let them be
Because I know that
I am not losing
I am surviving
Behind the story
At some point, I hated my life.
I was 27 back then. I remember having less than $300 in my bank account, and payday was still a month away. I can only hope there won't be any accidents or surprises. $10 a day. That's all I was allowed to spend for the next 30 days.
That situation confused me. I have been working for years, living a modest life, and I don't spend more than I can afford.
So why am I struggling financially?
I tracked back on my spending and found the answer: I was helping my parents with their financial problems. They were small amounts, to begin with. But over time, more than 50% of my money went there.
So I stopped hating myself. I started to hate my parents instead. I didn't bother to reply to their texts. I didn't go home for months. I wanted to run away. I wished I didn't have to help them.
But what if I didn't?
What would happen to them? What would happen if I were not around?
I'd hate myself, too, for not being able to help. And for not being around.
Accepting the unacceptable
Grief is typically conceptualized as a reaction to the death, though it can occur anytime reality is not wdon'te wanted, hoped for, or expected.
To accept the unacceptable. Grief forces us to experience the cycle of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
I started by questioning myself. What did I do wrong? Why don't I have any money left in my bank account? I was confused and shaken.
I started blaming myself for my lack of knowledge about money management. For my inability to control my spending. But once I found out the reason why I moved on to the next phase:
I lashed out my anger at my parents. I found someone to blame. I hated my parents for months. It didn't feel good, but it felt better than being confused and in denial.
I started to question again. What did my parents do wrong? They got scammed – it was beyond their control, so whose fault is it? Why does this happen to me? Can't I have a normal life?
I questioned and blamed everything; I blamed the situation, cursed at the people who scammed my parents and compared my life to others.
Scenarios of an alternate reality started running through my mind. A life where I have more money, no debts to pay, born to rich parents, and so on.
To me, this was the most difficult phase of all. The feeling of emptiness. Hopelessness.
I felt as if whatever I was doing was worthless. My future is no longer for me; it's to help my parents until we reach financial freedom. This means I can't go on holiday, buy the things I want, or save for a wedding or a house.
And these happened as I saw my friends moving closer to their dream life; Getting married, having kids, buying cars and houses, and starting their businesses.
I began to hate my life even more.
I can't remember how or when I started to accept this fact. I stopped avoiding and denying reality and started to embrace it.
I no longer look for something or someone to blame. I started to accept this feeling of emptiness, sadness, and confusion. I let myself feel those feelings and then move on.
I remember thinking about running away to another continent and forgetting about all these problems. But in the end, even though I had the opportunity to leave, I decided to stay. It was my choice not to run away, and it was my choice to help my family.
I realised that my parents never forced me to give them financial aid. I chose to help them. And ultimately, it was my own choice to take a step back and take care of my parents.
Because some things matter more than my dreams.
I hope you find this post inspiring.
And whenever life feels too much, remember:
It's not going to be easy,
But it's not impossible.