How I ruined my life: a step-by-step guide

The day starts at 10:00 AM as my alarm rang. I gave it a couple more snoozes until I woke up around 10:23. Then I saw the messages from my colleagues and boss. They were looking for me because I hadn't shown up at the office yet.​

At 10:30, I finally dragged myself out of bed. The whole time, I was racking my brain—what kind of excuse should I tell them so they don't know that I'm just lazy ? I found an easy one.​

At 10:47, I walked to the train station while typing a message to my boss. "Hey, sorry I overslept. I got food poisoning yesterday and I couldn't sleep until 3 AM." This should be enough, I thought. They might be annoyed, but people can get sick. I also told my boss that I'd do overtime tonight to make up for it, so it should be good.​

I arrived at the office at 11:51. Everyone was sitting in a meeting, but it would be too awkward to go in when it was about to end anyway. So I went to the cafeteria instead.​

From 1 PM to 6 PM, it was work as usual. Nothing special, mostly just me fighting my sleepiness. I barely slept last night and now I can't focus on work. The coffee didn't help either.​

When people went home at 6:30 PM, I stayed for a bit, just to show that I was making up for my mistakes. But honestly? I wasn't going to work. I was just going to scroll away on my phone. It's rush hour anyway, why bother going home now?​

I was watching YouTube videos when I saw the clock show 7:59 PM. I packed my bags and darted off. I stopped by some fast food chain to eat, something greasy and oily.​

At 9:39 PM, I arrived home. Took a shower, turned on my PlayStation 5, and started grinding on my game. Just one more round. Just one more level. Just one more match.​

I tried to sleep but I couldn't. My mind was racing. I was thinking about the work I didn't finish, the promises I didn't keep, the lie I told my boss. It was 3:15 AM, and I decided to cook some cup noodles.​

As I fell asleep, I could see that the sun was about to rise. Before I drifted off, I remember thinking about what kind of excuse I should prepare for work? And then, the cycle repeats.​

How I Changed My Life

A few years ago, that was how my days went. I was a pathetic salaryman with no dignity and self-respect. And recently, I keep thinking about how different my life is compared to back then.​

The only thing that changed me was this question that suddenly popped into my head: why do I make myself feel ashamed about myself?​

Because that's what I was doing, wasn't I? Every single day, I was choosing shame.​

I was choosing to wake up late, knowing it would make me panic. I was choosing to lie to my boss, knowing it would make me feel like a fraud. I was choosing to hide in the cafeteria, knowing it would make me feel pathetic. I was choosing to waste time at work, knowing I'd have to stay late and pretend to be productive.​

And then at night, I was choosing all the things that would guarantee I'd feel terrible the next day. The greasy food. The late-night gaming. The 3 AM cup noodles. The restless sleep.​

I wasn't just living a bad life. I was actively building it, one decision at a time.​

The difference between my old life and my new life isn't huge. I'm still the same person. I still go to the same kind of job. I still have the same struggles.​

But I stopped choosing shame.​

It wasn't dramatic. There was no turning point, no rock bottom, no grand revelation. Just a simple question: why am I doing this to myself ?​

And then, one morning, I decided to stop.​

These days, when my alarm rings at 6:00 AM, I get up. Not because it's easy, but because I know what happens if I don't. I know exactly where that snooze button leads—I've lived that life before.​

I arrive at work on time. I finish my tasks. I go home when everyone else goes home. I cook proper meals. I sleep at reasonable hours.​ I started to feel less like shit every day.

And you know what? I don't feel ashamed about myself anymore.​

That's the life I chose. And every morning, I'd choose it again.​

I hope you do too.

I hope you find this insightful. Remember:

It's not going to be easy,
But it's not impossible.

Your friend,
Brian.